Tom Gallagher (R-Miami-Dade)
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Claims to fame: Six-term Florida rep (Miami-Dade); former secretary, Fla. Dept. of Professional Regulation; former Fla. treasurer, insurance commissioner & fire marshal; former Fla. education commissioner; Florida’s first chief financial officer; four-time failed gubernatorial candidate; heavy-duty anti-choice, gay-bashing, “family values” Republican & born-again Christian; self-proclaimed “Bush conservative”; adulterer; divorcé; confessed pot smoker
Moral apex: Spent a year (1978-79) shagging a legislative aide until his wife found out about the affair.
What happened next: Wifey kicked his ass out, then filed for divorce.
But, wait! There’s more! Tommy Boy showed up at his former home, “allegedly” drunk, and tried to break in. The next day, he came back and stole the dog. (And, according to one report, “nearly hurt his mother-in-law.”)
Soon-to-be-ex Ann Louise (who said he tried to break in on several occasions, and once “allegedly” tried to steal her car) filed for a restraining order; her petition was rejected by jackass Judge Milton Rubin, who told Tommy: “You’re a public figure. You don’t need any adverse publicity.”
(Other accounts of the hearing also quote Rubin saying: “I do not want to embarrass you by entering an order. That would be a matter of public record. … Listen to my words very clearly: That would be a matter of public record that might be used adversely against you in the future in one of your future campaigns.”)
Why we’re bringing up 30-year-old news now: Because it was only made public for the first time in June, 2006, as Gallagher was prep’ing to run for Florida’s top office. The court records were supposedly expunged in a “routine purging” a long time ago. But — oopsy! — somebody forgot about the microfilm records!
Tommy Boy’s Twinkie Defense: “I know that many of you have been somewhat skeptical about some of the changes that have taken place in my life — that it’s some kind of a campaign strategy. But I’m here to tell you, Christ does change lives, and I’m a different person because of it.”
His current wife (who isn’t the same woman as his bit-o’-fluff from the 1970s) added: “It’s difficult to acknowledge past mistakes like this, but it’s something we all have to do and I’m proud of Tom for doing that.”
Which begs the question: If Tommy Boy is such an upstanding, honest soldier of Christ, why didn’t he cop to his infidelity before all this came to light? There is such a thing as lying by omission, ya know.
Oh, and about the pot: Gallagher admits to having smoked marijuana a long, long, long, et cetera, time ago — but says he never tried any other illegal drugs. That’s contradicted by ex-Ann Louise (now just “Louise,” thank you), who told the Tampa Tribune she had “found cocaine in a drawer in Gallagher’s Tallahassee condominium,” then, after showing it to Tommy Boy’s father, flushed the blow down the toilet.
What bugs us even more than Gallagher’s prototypal Republican hypocrisy: Has this guy had a lot of cosmetic surgery, or what? Every picture of him we’ve ever seen (even the unretouched ones) shows the same, waxy skin stretched over his chipmunky cheeks. (Come on, the guy is in his sixties.) He also looks like he spends way too much time in the tanning booth. He just creeps us out — mannequins are more lifelike.
Fun fact: “Of the four major candidates for governor,” note Adam C. Smith and Joni James of the St. Petersburg Times, “only Democratic Rep. Jim Davis of Tampa has never been divorced.” (Besides Gallagher, the other divorcés were Tommy Boy’s main rival, Republican Attorney General Crist, and Democratic state Senator Rod Smith.)
Memorable observations:
“Party boy” had a different meaning during Gallagher’s legislative career in the late 1970s and early 1980s. He earned a reputation as a fun-loving carouser.One incident, which Gallagher has always denied, remains infamous in the halls of Tallahassee. It came during a 1991 hearing on a sexual harassment allegation against Broward County state Rep. Fred Lippman. A witness testified that Lippman’s accuser claimed to have had sex with Gallagher on the hood of a gold Mercedes.
Politician Gallagher: After spending a career as a moderate Republican who was pro-choice, for gun control, against school vouchers and school prayer, he has suddenly become the conservative family values candidate in the race — an anti-abortion crusader, who wants to expand school vouchers, penalize business owners who prevent employees from keeping guns in their cars while at work, ban gay marriage, rail against “activist judges”, and talk about his fervent new epiphany of Christian faith.
Comedian Gallagher: Started smashing watermelons onstage more than 20 years ago. Still smashing watermelons onstage.
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Gallagher (the politician, not the comedian):
And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And He said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
— Genesis 3:9-11
