Connie Mack (R-Fla.)
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Claims to fame: Junior House Rep. from Florida (since 2004); son of Florida legislator Connie Mack III; great-grandson of Philly baseball owner-manager Connie Mack; “family-values” Republican; adulterer; soon-to-be-divorcé
Moral apex: Dumped wife & mother of his two small children in 2005. As of this writing (2006), the divorce isn’t final, but he’s out screwing around with Mary Bono (R-Palm Springs), widow of Sonny Bono, who remarried after Sonny’s death — but who isn’t divorced yet, either.
How we know the affair rumor is true: Bono confirmed it.
Redeeming qualities: Has supported stem-cell research and the importation of prescription drugs from Canada, and voted against CAFTA — all of which is good, and which really pisses off most other Republicans.
Fun fact: His real name is Cornelius Alexander McGillicuddy IV.
P.S. How we can call Mack an adulterer when we don’t know for sure he’s actually shagging Bono? Well, if they’re not shagging, we would be very, very surprised. But the bottom line is, we go by strict biblical interpretation of everything here (hey, the Repubs set the rules!), and Jesus was pretty clear on the subject: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) That’s what Jimmy Carter was referring to when he said, “I’ve looked on many women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.”
Suggested Bible reading for Mr. Mack:
But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.
— Genesis 20:3
